Coffee Letter #018: Feelings and Worries

And things we don't talk about.

On my way to book club B this week (I frequent three book clubs, A-B-C is how I differentiate them in my journal too) I was thinking about the herculean task we have as humans to keep on living our day to day lives even when something is shaking our world. Incidentally a few hours before the book club I reread the chapter on the emotional baggage we all carry around — for further clarifications this month we read a children’s book called Zâna Năsturel by Florina Chirvase, illustrated by Cristina Frei. It’s more than a children’s book, at its core is helping the little ones (and the adults too) to express themselves, to talk about their fears and worries — but I’ll tell you more about it when we’ll chat about books.

So there I was, in a cab, thinking about how I have to go to book club and talk about this book, and see my friends, while there’s a looming shadow behind me — my emotional baggage, the disruptor in my day to day life that I’m still trying to make sense of. Or maybe make peace with?

My go-to defence mechanism is to distance myself — and on that note to avoid complicated conversations. It’s very hard to stay there with my emotions. It’s even harder when the adults in my life are hurting and they need me, but I’m also still processing the shock waves and honestly I don’t know how to anything.

I always ramble. Sorry. What I wanted to say was that the world doesn’t stop for me to deal with this baggage of feelings and worries and I need to go to my big girl job and play with numbers and KPIs and small talk with my colleagues without them knowing about the looming shadow over my shoulders and without me knowing about their shadows and emotional baggage… and isn’t that weird?

~ read

I’m in the middle of a lot of books, including two classics — The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain because I want to read James by Percival Everett, and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce, a buddy read with

DustnBooks

, also a read in preparation of another big read that’ll hopefully take place this year: Ulysses. Also I recently started rereading The Empyrean series since I just got the third book!!

I hope to tell you about those books soon, but now let’s talk about the books I read this week:

Zâna Năsturel by Florina Chirvase, illustrated by Cristina Frei. I went to the launch of this book in December last year and earlier this week the author came to our book club meeting too. This book is hard to categorise age-wise and genre-wise but I think its subtitle does it best: it’s a journal about being okay with yourself. The book gives both kids and adults the opportunity to get in touch with their feelings and to discuss and understand real life concepts with the help of a fairy. It’s a great book to read regardless if you have kids of not — it will heal your inner child.

Ramona Boldizsar

does this cool thing with her husband: he chooses a book for her to read, and I decided to do that with mine too. He chose The Vegetarian by Han Kang. This is a short novel about mental health and a patriarchal society and the chore it is to fit in. It’s not an easy novel to dissect, okay?

You get three different POVs and you will try to make sense of things — the main thing being Yeong-hye and her overnight decision to turn vegetarian and how that simple thing rocks her entire world (and everyone around her), while also being forced to witness this from a POV you might despise (you will, for sure). It’s strange and raw and unfiltered. Kang brings to life some images that are both beautiful and disturbing. It’s not an easy book to swallow.

I spent my time reading it wishing for something that the author denies me — access to Yeong-hye’s POV. In the end I think this was a powerful move, and I can’t wait to read more of Han Kang’s novels.

~ watch

On Friday I went to the first film from the newest film club in town: Pelicula. I love the whole idea of this film club — trying an old/classic director and a contemporary one from each country, watching the film together and then discussing it. It was amazing! I’m so excited for next month’s film. We “went” to Sweden and we started with Ingmar Bergman.

The Seventh Seal/Det sjunde inseglet (1957), d. Ingmar Bergman. A film about a knight who just returned home from fighting in the Crusades and what he finds home is the plague. So naturally he is questioning the existence of God and gets into a game of chess with Death.

I obviously enjoyed it a lot — if Death is a character, chances are I will enjoy it (next on my list is Meet Joe Black). The film touches on a lot of themes (maybe too many), and it managed to be both deep and light at the same time. It plays with contrasts. it offers the viewer a wide cast of characters and different ways of living, and the atmosphere is amazing. I just needed more scenes with Death.

I also recommend Persona (1966) from Ingmar Bergman. A thought-provoking film about identity and duality, somewhat surreal and not that easy to approach, but it’s definitely worth it!

Inventing Anna (2022, mini-series)

TV-wise I spent my weekend in the realm of con-artist mini-series, starting with the new show that just dropped:

Apple Cider Vinegar (2025, mini-series). Following a wellness guru who pretends she has brain cancer that she keeps under control with a diet of fruit and veggies. It was a fun and well-written series, featuring a great cast, with characters you can’t help but hate, while also kinda understanding them because we’re all human, no? Except maybe Belle. Nonetheless, I like it when a series confronts me with unlikeable characters and forces me to really see them. I really thought I would like Belle because I love unhinged women but I guess even I have a line and that line is lying about your brain cancer, playing with other people’s health and promoting the wellness industry as an alternative to medicine. Watch on Netflix.

Inventing Anna (2022, mini-series). After watching Apple Cider Vinegar I felt the need to rewatch Inventing Anna because Anna is an unhinged character that I genuinely like. The series tells the story of con-artist Anna Delvey who fools the high society of New York City that she’s a German heiress. The show follows the journalist who breaks the story, mixing the present timeline with flashbacks of Anna’s story told by the other characters in her life. I do feel like this series was a bit too long and there was room for improvement, but Anna is just too iconic and I have a huge crush on Julia Garner! Watch on Netflix.

The Recruit (2022-, TV series). I also finished the second season of The Recruit. I think I told you before that I really enjoyed the first season of this show mostly because Noah Centineo played his character really well and he was very charismatic, but the second season ended abruptly and I did not even realise I was watching the season finale. It was a short season and it only brought in questions and plot holes. I hope there will be a season three and that they will return to what made the first season be so damn good. Watch on Netflix.

The Boyfriend/Bôifurendo (2024-, Reality TV). With my husband I watched a Japanese reality TV series about gay men living together and running a coffee truck while also trying to find love. We love watching Asian reality TV because even if there is room and opportunity for drama, these shows don’t usually go there and instead offer you a somewhat more authentic and definitely wholesome experience. We really enjoyed the first season of The Boyfriend and we are so glad it will get a second season. Available on Netflix.

~ and other things I did last week

Opera: This week I saw Giselle with my ballet partner and dear friend Indra. This is my second time seeing Giselle (the first time was almost a decade ago) and I loved it just as much. Although now I can tell you for sure that what I love is the story itself (the music is rather forgettable). It’s dark and romantic and so unexpected! I would tell you more but I really feel that the less you know about the story of Giselle the more impactful it will be. So go in blind! You’ll love it!

Music: My friend (and boss) Bianca introduced me to Diablo Swing Orchestra and I’ve been listening to them ever since. They have a really cool way of naming their songs too — like Speed Dating An Arsonist or Exit Strategy of a Wrecking Ball. Definitely up my alley.

I’m so glad that last week I introduced my colleagues to brat because that prepared them for the Grammys. Not that we care that much for the Grammys, but I am happy to see some of my favourite albums from last year be celebrated and for that I have two articles to share with you: Young Women Are Transforming Pop. Now They’re Taking On the Grammys and What Inspired Billie Eilish’s Grammy-Nominated Album? — both from The New York Times.

Food: Husband made his famous homemade chocolate this past weekend, but alas, it did not turn out how he likes it, instead it’s exactly how I like it: a bit more fudgy, a bit darker and saltier. Bloody delicious!

Other things consumed last week:

• A Mother and Daughter’s Joint Becoming (The New Yorker). A beautiful photo series and story of motherhood and becoming your own person.

• In Her Own Messy Way, Bridget Jones Is a Trailblazer (The New York Times). On following a rom-com heroine after she gets her happy ending. And on that note: Big knickers, bad decisions and old bats: Renée Zellweger on the return of Bridget Jones (The Guardian).

• What Do Sex and Gender Have to Do with Religion? (CrashCourse - YoutTube). This week at work we had an interesting conversation with our new colleague about “what is a woman”. I restrained myself and did not push the issue further (although maybe I should have) but also this week CrashCourse released this video that I might share with him; or I will be a good girl and not get into a conversation that annoys me at work — we’ll see.

• 10-Minute Challenge: Bruegel’s ‘Hunters in the Snow’ (The New York Times). A fun way to interact with an artwork.

• The Sims Turned Players Into Gods. And Farmers. And Vampires. And Landlords (The New York Times). The Sims is 25 years old!

• Hecate in Art and Mythology (Daily Art Magazine). Hecate is one of my favourites, especially because she is present in so many mythologies.

• ‘I want to be hopeful’: Nobel prize-winning novelist Han Kang on the crisis in South Korea (The Guardian). An interview with Han Kang.

Life is strange and more than ever I feel like a teen again, trying to make sense of things and what-not. Earlier this week I was telling the people at the film club that I like coming-of-age films and that’s because I sometimes still find myself in that strange part of life when you are not quite sure who you are or who you want to be.

What follows is a week of no plans, one of the first free weeks in a while event-wise. Which might suck because I quite enjoyed distracting myself with real-life events and not having to spend time with my feelings. But maybe this is good. Maybe it’s time to confront my fears and spend some time just me and my journal.

Thank you for reading, and to everyone I asked for hugs this past week, thank you for the hugs.

PS: I’m fine, really. The drama is about other people in my life but it’s nonetheless affecting me too.