Coffee Letter #017: Just Be
Glimmers of spring and a return to my true self.
February is here and the days feel longer already. I actually felt the sun on my face this weekend. Its warmth made me stop for a moment and just breathe in and out. Just a couple of breaths while the sun was caressing my cheeks.
Over the weekend I went to a cabin outside the city. Unfortunately for me I caught a cold recently and I was still suffering through it. So I gave myself permission to just be. Without worrying about being social all the time or participating in every activity. I napped when I felt like napping and chatted when I felt like chatting — but mostly I just existed.
Whenever I was surrounded by so many people I felt stressed — it didn’t matter whether they were my friends or not. I felt like I had to play a role, to always be involved, always be nice. Of course these “obligations” stem from an unhealthy desire to be liked and other people-pleasing tendencies. I know the theory and I went over it a bunch of times with my therapist, but it seems I need some external motivations (i.e. a cold) to finally do something about this.
I used to be very good at existing amongst other people while doing my own things without a care in the world. Then I grew up and I suddenly had to belong. But the thing is I don’t belong. And I got tired of trying.
I’m not saying I’ll be a savage and never take part in social activities but from now on I’ll choose more often and more freely to go to my room and read when my social battery runs off. And I’ll wake up early and make my coffee and spend the early hours by myself, with a good book by my side, listening to the birds chirping outside — or watching the squirrels playing in the trees, as was the case this weekend.
~ read
Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami. This book was a fun fever dream, a puzzle with missing pieces, a weird journey between worlds and dreams, consciousness and unconsciousness, full of taboos and magical hops. A tad bit too long for my liking and lacking any substantial female characters (they only exist to be sexualised), but in spite of its flaws, I liked it enough to rate it 4 stars.
The story is split in two, following two POVs, alternating chapters. One moment we are with Kafka on his journey, the other with Nakata. One is full of teenage angst, fear and uncertainty, the other a calming zen though nothing is certain in Nakata's world because he doesn't know anything and he will remind you of that often. It's a beautiful contrast.
It's bizarre. It's strange. A lot of strange things happen (or do they?), you start questioning what's real or not, what exists or doesn't or maybe exists twice. The fantasy gets in between the cracks of reality or maybe we are all just dreaming the same collective fever dream.
I also wrote a quick review (stream-of-consciousness style) on Goodreads.
This weekend I started The Vegetarian by Han Kang. I just finished the first part and I’m not even sure where to start! I feel like it says so much in so little pages and it’s peculiar and beautiful and cruel. I cannot wait to finish it and tell you more about it.
~ watch
There isn’t much to talk about this week. After watching so much TV a week ago, I took a bit of a break this week. Plus I was busy reading 500 pages of Haruki Murakami. I’m still in the land of spies. I watched a mediocre spy comedy — Back in Action (2025), d. Seth Gordon, but at least Cameron Diaz is back — and rewatched the first season of The Recruit (TV series, 2022-), which I really enjoyed it. The second season of The Recruit is out and I cannot wait to watch it!
~ and other things I did last week
Music: This week at work I was in charge of music on Friday so we had a brat Friday — aka I introduced my colleagues to the album of 2024 (according to The Guardian and The Rolling Stones): brat by Charli xcx.
Other things consumed last week:
How DeepSeek stunned the AI industry (The Guardian - podcast). It’s a short episode (23 min or so) and it explains why DeepSeek is cheaper than ChatGPT and how it “thinks” differently. Not gonna lie, I’m enjoying DeepSeek a whole lot more — although I did not use ChatGPT a lot because it consumes too many resources for my liking. Oh, and DeepSeek knows how many R’s in “strawberry” (however discussing Taiwan is another story). I also recommend What to Know About DeepSeek and How It Is Upending A.I. (The New York Times).
Stanley Tucci Is Savoring It All (The New Yorker). I love Stanley Tucci, okay? Whenever he’s in a film I perk up, but I like it even more when he talks about foods and drinks.
Brutal Snubs, Substantial Surprises: the Oscars embrace horror, international cinema, and Guy Pearce’s mustache (Letterboxd). I am still mad about Challengers.
How Will We Eat in 2025? 9 Predictions to Chew On (The New York Times). I love food trends and predictions. But take them all with a grain of salt.
The real world is a bit of a mess. I bought some potted daffodils and they bloomed over the weekend. The simple sight of them brings a hint of hopefulness and optimism into my life.
I don’t know about you, but I am excited for February. Or maybe I’m just excited because we are closer to Spring.
Thank you for reading!