Coffee Letter #033: Don’t Worry, Darling
You are not my type.
I am a lucky bisexual because I’m in a monogamous relationship with a male-born partner. If you want to get technical, I’m actually pansexual, but alas, I’ve been calling myself a bisexual for so long that the label stuck, regardless of the gender of my partner. That being said, I do not talk a lot about my bisexuality — all things considered in the eyes of the world I’m a normal woman married to a normal man. Normality though being as relative and fake and flawed as gender.
I am lucky. I was able to marry my chosen partner. I can hold their hand on a walk, kiss them in the bus, nobody bats an eye. Yet I’m still bisexual. Even if I don’t talk about it, even if I’m in a straight relationship. The label is still there and I don’t want to erase it. (But maybe we’ll talk about bi-erasure another time.)
Yet I can’t help but think about all the other Universes where I’m in love with a same-sex partner. So I go to Pride. For this imaginary universe where I’m in love with another woman but I’m not able to be with her in the eyes of the law, I cannot kiss her in public spaces without fear of who’s watching and what they might say or do.
I go to Pride for my younger self and her internalised homophobia.
I go to Pride because I’m still scarred by that moment my high school girlfriends found out I was into a girls and started acting differently around me. Don’t worry, darling, you are not my type.
I go to Pride for other teens from small towns who feel like something is wrong with them and not the close-minded mentality around them.
And most importantly, I go to Pride because I want everyone to have what I have with my partner. To not need luck to be happy. To just be.
~ read
Let’s déjà-vu. I finished the books I told you about last week.
Human Acts by Han Kang. This book shattered me. With its beauty, its pain, its calmness. Kang's writing is magical. So raw and natural, yet lyrical without being flowery or trying too hard. I think she is slowly becoming one of my favourite writers.
It’s not an easy read. The book follows a cast of characters that somewhat intersect around the Gwangju Massacre from 1980. We get their POVs and try to put them together, making sense of the pain left behind. It ends beautiful with the author getting involved in the narrative and telling her story and how she is connected to the event.
This is one of the few books from our book club that was liked by everyone, even though surprisingly we all agree that it’s not the kind of book you recommend to just anyone.
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce. Victory! I've finished the most bildungsroman bildungsroman if there ever was one. Stephen Dedalus is a very self-absorbed character but I guess we all were as we were coming of age, right? I just have a feeling he never outgrew it - or maybe I'll be proven wrong after I read Ulysses.
I assume it was very innovative in its time, but alas, personally, I'm not a big fan of yappers and I prefer vibes and minimalism in literature, which is why long religious texts and philosophical epiphanies don't do anything for me. I believe the message can be impactful without being so in your face. But hey, it made sense for the text - I just did not enjoy it.
Weirdly enough I liked this book. Coming of age is my jam and there were some really beautiful scenes here. Plus I liked the homoerotic subtilities - although it never comes to fruition. I'm also curious if Stephen outgrows this phase of never seeing women as fully-fledged individuals, but only as muses and temptations. It's not easy to read it as a woman since most of the novel is spent in Stephen's mind.
Currently I’m reading Ulysses by James Joyce and starting it so soon after finishing A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man feels so natural. I did not expect it to start with Stephen Dedalus, although I knew he was a character in Ulysses too.
~ watch
I’m in the middle of TIFF. I’ll probably return with a Specialty Coffee on the festival and all the films I see. I’m keeping a TIFF diary so maybe I’ll publish it that way?
~ and other things I did last week
Music: New Marina album has dropped — Princess of Power. Pure fun pop music that makes me feel alive.
Sweets: Baci chocolates, especially the ones with coffee. I half love them for the quotes hidden inside, of course. Also, Venchi chocolates — deliciously decadent.
Other things consumed last week:
Writer Han Kang 한강: "I always move on with the strength of my writing.” (YouTube - Louisiana Channel). All I did this week was listen to Han Kang’s interviews.
I admit I wasn’t sure if to write this post or not and I avoided it all week long — hence why it’s written in a hurry because I have a film in an hour (sorry, TIFF week).
It’s not easy to talk about my sexual orientation — upon reflection, I guess that high school event affected me more than I wanted to admit. At the same time I’m scared that the amazing female friendships I have now could be affected by this. Which I know it’s silly, but.
It’s a weird thing, navigating this world and showing parts of yourself.
Thank you for reading!
LOVE IS LOVE ❤️❤️❤️