Coffee Letter #028: Deutschland and Bad Memories

Anxiety is a monster and all that jazz.

I can’t say I think too fondly of Germany.

Some of my favourite family members live there (hence why I go there so often) and even though I really really like their recycling system, almost three years ago I had my biggest migraine episode at a restaurant there while my father was in a hospital in Austria. I remember with terror how I was sitting at the table with my family, all of us trying to create a jolly atmosphere, to alleviate some of the worries about my father’s situation. I was trying to laugh, even though I had tunnel vision, the sound were blurred in together and my head was exploding. We just couldn’t go through another hospital incident. Not on the same day.

On the bright side this whole episode triggered me to check on my migraines and to change my very stressful job, plus my father recovered after a month in Austria and he is healthy now. On the other side the painful memories are still there.

It’s not my first time returning to Germany since — I went there for Christmas in 2023. But that doesn’t count, right? At Christmas you don’t think about what went on in the autumn of 2022, you think about mulled wine (the German mulled wine is strictly superior) and gingerbread houses.

I know my sudden anxiety to return to Germany stems from the fact that the circumstances are very similar — I’m once again flying to Bucharest to pick up my parents and we’re flying to Germany together, and we are going there for a birthday event (again). This makes me weary. At the same time I also know these are just thoughts. They have no base in reality.

This is just a little monster called anxiety. So I’m trying to leave my thoughts on the paper (digital screen?) and focus on the exciting things: a week spent with family, a trip where I don’t have to think about planning things or where we eat or what we eat. I’m going to travel like a princess, with no worries (hopefully) and some books. Plus I’ve never seen Germany in spring!

~ read

Two of my favourite reads of the year.

On the Calculation of Volume I by Solvej Balle. This year I’m reading the International Booker Prize shortlist because it’s something I wanted to do every year (for the Booker, for the International Booker, for Women’s Prize — these are my Oscars). I will keep my review short because ideally if I really manage to read all of them I will make a dedicated post with all the books and my thoughts — I can’t promise to do it by May 20th, but I will try.

The main takeaway is that this is probably one of the best books read this year and YOU HAVE TO READ IT! It follows a woman who slips out of time. For her, it’s perpetually 18th November, but she’s the only one who remembers it. Time resets for everyone around her.

You might imagine this turning into a time bound sci-fi, and at times it is, but it’s not about that. Instead it explores how our protagonist feels, how this affects her and her relationships, how the distance between her and her husband grows and there’s nothing she can do because he simply forgets and starts 18th Nov with a blank slate.

Immaculate vibes! Lyrical prose! Perfect repetition. THE DETAILS! The sounds. The birds. All the mundanity, brilliant mundanity. And the love. The heartache. The impossibility of things. The loneliness.

First and foremost it's a book that made me stop a lot while reading it and think about everything under the sun - and especially about a thing I think often about: how fortunate we are that life exists on this planet, how all these tiny things make it possible, how it's out of our control, how we are so miniscule.

I still need time to put my things in order. I definitely recommend reading it with a friend, exchanging notes, thoughts, musings, and being grateful that at least the two of you are not stuck in different times.

I promise I will pull myself together and return with a proper review, worthy of this novel, when (see, when, not if) I’ll write my International Booker Prize specialty coffee.

Intermezzo by Sally Rooney. I was convinced I’d like this book, I just never anticipated how much. I knew I loved Sally Rooney and her style, but this book sealed the deal for me — I’m in love with Rooney’s writing and I cannot explain it.

The novel follows two brothers as they deal with the loss of their father and their messy relationships. Ivan, a chess prodigy, is seeing a much older woman, Peter is torn between the love of his life, Sylvia, and Naomi, a young homeless woman who satisfies all his desires.

I finished this book in tears. I loved how it was written — I know some people find it hard to read her books because of the way she writes, the stream of consciousness and the lack of quotation marks, but to me it feels so natural and it just makes sense. I cannot explain it. It feels real. I love how she throws you in her characters’ minds and it jumps from one thing to another. I felt seen by how they think and relate to things, how they choose to express themselves. It’s just so bloody authentic.

I just love how real her characters are and how she cares for them, how everything comes from a place of compassion and empathy and it forces the reader to treat them the same regardless of our differences in opinions - and I think this is why her books are so polarizing, cause it forces you to stay with stuff you don't want to. To maybe do some introspection, to see the characters through different lenses and maybe learn something about yourself too?

Currently I’m in the middle of Under the Eye of the Big Bird by Hiromi Kawakami, also on the International Booker shortlist. But I will take a break from it because I don’t want to carry a hardcover book on the plane with me.

~ watch

The Pitt (2025-, TV series). I talked about this show a bunch of times before. I finally finished the first season and I want more. It’s intense. The entire season is a 15-hour shift in the ER. Who would’ve thought that just one shift is enough to learn everything about the healthcare issues and hospital politics or the doctors’ personal dramas? It balances the dark and light moments really really well.

Currently I’m watching You. It’s the last season and it’s full of chaos. You is my guilty pleasure, I admit!

~ and other things I did last week

Restaurant: Wei Ramen — we went there for the vibes (the decor is kitschy and fun), but the food is pretty good too, and Bodega del Taco — very simple menu, but absolutely delicious. The music at both restaurants was 10/10.

Other things consumed last week:

• Mistaking Mary Magdalene (The New Yorker). Obviously I am a big fan of Mary Magdalene and I find myself more interested in the literature aspect of religion lately so much so that I’m considering reading the Bible as a piece of literature.

• What’s the Best Thing I Can Do for the Planet? (The New York Times). Because Earth Day.

I feel better now. Lighter. Positive that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to detach myself and relax during this week off without the bad thoughts worming their way into my brain and making me feel like the world could collapse any minute now.

Oh, and then there’s the vote… which I also avoided to think about for a while. Family and politics, what a week.

Thank you for reading!

PS: A dear friend will take over next week and she has a very special article planned.