Coffee Letter #025: Bad Sleeper

Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it.

I’m a bad sleeper. It’s a known fact since I joined this world. No kidding, at one point during my infancy, the doctor told my mum to give me sleeping pills because I was never sleeping at night — instead I was very good at sleeping during the day, especially when mum’s friends were visitting to see her new baby. Proof I was an introvert before I was able to distinguish colours.

At one in the morning, day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it

(My Manic and I, song by Laura Marling)

It’s not just that I don’t sleep. I do not like to sleep (except the occasional nap under the sun). You know how people are either night owls or early birds? I’m both. And that makes sleeping a nuisance.

Unfortunately my neurologist doesn’t care about my opinions on sleep or that I could live on only a few hours of zzz (I did that when I was an insomniac in high school). I must sleep. Thus lately my world is revolving around sleep — or better said around avoiding sleep while trying to sleep more, which I know makes no sense but I can’t get myself to go to bed at a decent hour no matter how hard I try (or to stay asleep for that matter).

Until this week I thought I got this under control. Going to sleep early did not seem to work so I just forced myself to wake up later, even though that meant sacrificing my morning hour of reading. It worked for a while. Then daylight saving happened and I’m no longer able to keep myself asleep after 7 am. So we’re back to square one, my sleep and I.

Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky
I was just happy, my manic and I

He couldn't see me, the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down

~ read

I’m going to finish all the books I started, she says as she starts a new book and another book and another book…

Pluralities by Avi Silver. This is a queer sci-fi novella about a burnt-out retail worker’s journey into gender euphoria, but also about an alien prince going rogue. It’s an interesting and experimental exploration into gender dysmorphia and societal norms, terrestrial or alien. But the two halves are a tad bit too different and I often felt like I was literally reading two things at once. I wanted more world-building, I wanted for mystery, more space for speculative stuff.

Diary of Edward the Hamster 1990-1990 by Miriam Elia and Ezra Elia. I kept telling the girls at work about this book until I brought to work one day for them to read it. And then I reread it too. It’s a graphic novel about an existentialist hamster. It’s quite dark, but in under 100 pages it will make you laugh, be sad, and maybe contemplate our existence.

The Beach at Night by Elena Ferrante. A very dark picture book for kids about a doll left on the beach at night. The illustrations are gorgeous, although creepy, and could easily be part of a Dixit deck. It reminded me a lot of the doll from The Lost Daughter, which seems to be a recurrent theme in the Ferrante literary universe.

It’s definitely not a book for everyone and one could argue whether it is for kids at all. I like dark stories, especially for kids (I liked them as a kid too — I grew up with the original Grimm Brother tales, not the Disney versions, and the weird Cartoon Network shows). But then again, I’m not a parent so I don’t have to deal with nightmares about lost dolls.

Currently I’m really really enjoying If Not, Winter - Fragments of Sappho translated by Anne Carson and the new book by Sayaka Murata (which will come out at the end of the month), but I should really really start reading the books for the book club.

~ watch

Delicious in Dungeon / Dungeon Meshi (2024, anime series). My husband read the manga and he wanted us to watch the anime adaptation together because he was sure I’d like it — as usual when he recommends me stuff, I did!

The story follows a group of adventurers working their way down a dungeon trying to rescue one of their friends who was eaten by a dragon. Due to their lack of funds, they can’t afford the food they need to accomplish their mission. Luckily, they meet Senshi, a dwarf warrior who knows how to cook the monsters they defeat along the way.

I like food in anime a lot — and food in general as a theme in any kind of medium. This anime is basically about taking weird monsters and transforming them into gourmet meals, but it’s also about learning about the characters and having fun adventures with them.

The first season adapts half of the manga only. Fortunately the sequel was already announced, but I might start the manga because I care too much for these characters now not to know their full story.

Adolescence (2025, mini-series). Like everyone and their mother, I watched Adolescence and I was amazed by it. A 13 y/o kid is accused of the violent murder of a classmate and everyone else around him are left to process this.

Technically it’s of course spectacular — each episode is filmed in one-shot. I cannot imagine the level of commitment and how much hard work this involves, but it sure made it very interesting to experience as a viewer in the way the camera moves, how it changes perspectives, and so on.

Episode three is at the moment one of my favourite pieces of cinema ever — I am a big fan in general of films and scenes done in one room with no fanfare, just the characters.

I liked everything. I liked getting to know the characters so well from just a few scenes. I liked how it explored relationships. Episode four absolutely destroyed me and left me crying long after the credits were over.

The hype is real. Watch it!

The Piano (1993), d. Jane Campion. New favourite film has dropped. This was the film for Pelicula Movie Club and even though it got mixed reactions, I absolutely loved it. (But I’ve got issues.)

The film is about a single mother who doesn’t speak and who finds herself in a new land (New Zealand) in an arranged marriage to a husband who doesn’t even try to understand her.

Cinematically gorgeous, thematically complex, it’s a subtle film, it doesn’t tell you much, it offers you glimpses and let’s you come to your own conclusions. Anna Paquin is phenomenal in it and she won an well-deserved Oscar for her role — she was 11, and so was Holly Hunter, who also won an Oscar for this role — incredibly expressive through her eyes and mannerisms only.

It’s a film about many things, but for me is mostly about silent female characters finding their passions, be it the piano or something else. At the film club meeting the story itself is what put most people off, but I like flawed stories that make me uncomfortable and lead to me asking myself what I would’ve done in the same situation. Plus I support women’s rights, but I also support women’s wrongs.

It reminded me a lot of Portrait of a Lady on Fire, with those seaside shots and the costumes, naturally, but also how silence plays a role in the film, how the characters express themselves.

"I'm quite the town freak, which satisfies."

Currently I’m waiting for my friend Ana so we can schedule a day to watch The White Lotus, I’m also catching up on The Pitt and I’m still watching a lot of K-dramas.

~ and other things I did last week

Music: I Said I Love You First... by Selena Gomez & benny blanco. I don’t think I’ve ever really listened to something by Selena Gomez, but I kept hearing about her newest album and I gave it a chance — consider me impressed. Ojos Tristes is my favourite song on the album at the moment.

Food: Petition for supermarkets to bring romaine lettuce in more often — why is it not that popular? We made Caesar salads.

Perfume: Cerisier (Cherry Blossom) from Yves Rocher. It has no staying power, but I love the smell of it and I keep it in my bag and spray it constantly.

Other things consumed last week: I didn’t.

And the goal is getting my brain to shut up and sleep so I don’t get migraines so I don’t abuse ibuprofen. That simple, ha?

If you have any sleeping advice — something that Matthew Walker has not already mentioned in his book Why We Sleep, please let me know. And, yes, I tried melatonin and it doesn’t work. Although I haven’t tried the gradual release melatonin yet and I need to remember to buy some this week.

Thank you for reading!

My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on